


All That Glitters Is Not Silver Except Thorns

by nachan00



Series: A Rotten Bond [3]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Aliens, Angst, Comedy, Drama, M/M, Romance, Violence, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-14
Updated: 2014-06-21
Packaged: 2017-12-20 03:34:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/882468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nachan00/pseuds/nachan00
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How many does it take? How long can each one last? At least they were both thornies from the start.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Perspective is Overrated II

**Author's Note:**

> This is the third and final installment of my GinHiji series "A Rotten Bond".

 

Elizabeth

Elizabeth and Katsura were taking a break from their scheduled counter-surveillance maneuvers. They were sitting in a shady corner of a cafe discussing the best way to engage the waitress without looking too suspicious. The street outside was crawling with Shinsengumi loons and the last thing they wanted was to attract attention by ordering a glass of water.

"Ok, let's do it like this Elizabeth, you ask for the orange juice and I ask for the water- No, wait, it's better if I order the orange juice first then after she brings it you say you've suddenly gone thirsty and ask for a glass of water. How does that sound?"

Forever faithful to his friend and comrade, Elizabeth nodded.

_Great. Let's do it._

Elizabeth gestured to the waitress and called her. Katsura shifted nervously in his seat, looking back over his shoulder at the entrance of the cafe with a squinting eye. It was something almost prophetic because a pair of Shinsengumi officers walked in just as the waitress got to their table. Moreover, it was none other than the Vice Commander accompanied by a lesser minion. They sat on a table near the window and soon afterward Hijikata dismissed his subordinate.

"Good afternoon" the waitress chirped lively "What will you two have?"

"A orange juice please- ah no, a glass of water for me, no, I'm actually thirsty-" Katsura babbled stupidly but decided to postpone the conversation after a minute of deliberation "Actually could you tell me where the restroom is?"

The young waitress sent him an angry look and then pointed towards a door near the back.

"Thank you so much" Katsura replied and got up "I will be right back, gonna use the toilet paper to the devise a better strategy" he whispered by Elizabeth's non-existent ear.

Once he was gone, Elizabeth was left in a strange silence with the waitress who had long lost her cute sparkly personality and just stood there looking evil. She had to be some kind of yandere type.

"You havin' sumething or what?" she barked angrily.

_A glass of water if you please._

She broke the tip of her pencil writing on her pad and left with a loud pretentious noise Elizabeth ignored. His large all-seeing eyes followed her back to the counter and then to the table where the Vice Commander of the Shinsengumi sat. He noticed how her personality changed quickly to the fake and creepily cute one. The Shinsengumi dog paid no attention to her advances or how she leaned a bit further to reveal her cleavage. It was a sorry spectacle, but Elizabeth was quite entertained by it, especially the look of affront on her face as she returned to the counter with nothing but his order and a cold shrug.

Katsura was still locked up in the restroom and a queue was starting to form at the door. Elizabeth wondered if the waitress would actually grab a key and storm inside to throw him out, but apparently she was too busy crippling Elizabeth to care. She set down the glass of water with such strength in front of him it would have torn his little hand apart if she hadn't missed.

"Here you have it" she said with a sweet smile. Elizabeth just raised a thankful placard.

_Thanks._

She dashed away to attend her next customer who happened to be Sakata Gintoki. He had entered very discreetly, very crafty, Elizabeth had barely seen him arrive. But it wasn't his slyness that shocked him, what surprised Elizabeth was him sitting with the Shinsengumi pillar of smoke and villainy. His first instinct was to grab the menu and hide what part of him he could with it. He even meditated momentarily so he could blend in with his surroundings. His break would have to wait. Elizabeth was back on the job.

The Vice Commander received the intruder with a glare. Gintoki didn't even acknowledge him. He just sat down, flipped through the menu to the desserts page and looked at the parfait selection until the yandere waitress came by. He ordered something which actually sounded delicious, not health-wreaking like the mayonnaise freak had requested and he also flirted a little with the waitress, much unlike the latter. He smirked at Hijikata after she left and said something that totally eluded Elizabeth's comprehension since the queue to the restroom was making too much noise for him to able to listen to anything other than his thoughts.

Whatever Gintoki had said had clearly been a provocation because the Vice Commander blew a big puff of smoke on his face and put out his cigarette in a rage. Gintoki laughed. A laugh Elizabeth seldom saw in him. He had no time to reflect about it though. The waitress came back with their orders, placing a big elaborate parfait in front of Gintoki and a bowl of mayonnaise in front of Hijikata. They ceased all interaction and devoted themselves to their dishes.

Elizabeth looked on intrigued. He was still stuck in his initial questions regarding the strange circumstance. Why was Gintoki there and how come did the Shinsengumi guy let him get away with all that impudence? The cafe should have been half destroyed by now. There was something fishy there.

Elizabeth focused back on the strange duo intent on finding more about such a shady meeting. However, by the time his eyes fell on them the Vice Commander was no longer eating with his spoon as much as he _playing_ with it. He let his tongue slide up and down, licking the mayonnaise as he turned the spoon around. For any normal person it would have looked disgusting and rude, but Gintoki just stared somehow agape. Elizabeth kept shaking his head perpetually as the absurdity unfolded. It just wasn't right. Gintoki slammed the table with a curled fist when Hijikata looked defiantly at him after inserting another spoonful in his mouth. He slid the spoon in and out slowly, evidently mocking Gintoki and everyone who was fool enough to be watching them.

It was Hijikata's turn to smirk. Elizabeth saw Gintoki's face redden with anger at the insolence and he dropped the spoonful of parfait he was holding. The Shinsengumi dog just kept going, looking nastier by the second. If Elizabeth had any hairs they would probably be sticking up now, and if he was not a Renho he might have other things standing up as well, if Gintoki's sight was any example to go by-

_Oh._

Elizabeth barely felt his arm move as he raised the placard. He had finally understood.

Gintoki reached inside his pocket, took out all the pennies he had and slammed them on the table before walking out. Hijikata sent him a confused look at first, but rapidly took out enough money to pay for their half-eaten meal and followed after him. Katsura exited the restroom around the same time and returned to the table with a bundle of scribbled toilet paper.

"Is it safe?" he whispered.

_We're going to need a lot more toiler paper._

* * *

 

 

 Tama

Being an android was a strange thing. It was even stranger to be an android capable of feelings. Tama had often wondered about what it was like to feel as humans did and if her concept of emotion and theirs had any real likeness. Once or twice she had even thought she had managed to understand them completely, but she never could, nor could humans for that matter. The impossibility didn't stop her from trying to figure it all out though and the constant flux of humanity around her did not allow her to neglect the problem either. For example, there was much she could say about the never ending outbursts of rage from Otose-sama, Catherine's infinite supply of spite and Gintoki-sama's natural nonchalance she secretly admired. But Tama was acquainted with the basics for her own self-preservation, which translated as the required knowledge to engage in social interactions with mild success. They worked to an extent, yet humans were too volatile in comparison and always ended up with new surprising things to astound her. Some were some useful, some useless, but whatever they were Tama welcomed them gladly. She was indeed a very curious android.

Her latest discovery started with a trip to the convenience store with Gintoki and the kids. Otose had sent her with them to buy a few groceries for the bar and gave her a tiny list which Tama went over very quickly before joining the Yorozuya trio on their shopping. She took a peek at the things they bought, both out of sheer curiosity and under Otose's orders to watch if they spent their money wisely. However, Tama didn't see any reasons for Otose to worry for Shinpachi rejected even the smallest little luxury item Kagura or Gintoki tried to drop in the shopping basket unassumingly. Shinpachi gave no opportunity to their indulgence.

"Eeeeh! But you let Gin-chan buy a strawberry milk carton! Unfair, unfair!" Kagura complained aloud.

"We have no money for twenty packs of sukonbu Kagura-chan, be reasonable!"

"Yeah, be reasonable Kagura and stop being such a spoiled kid, no one will yield to your whims if you keep annoying them with impossible requests" Gintoki replied obnoxiously.

"You're one to talk" Shinpachi muttered.

"Yeah Gin-chan, you're one to talk. Spending all the money we made repairing those roofs on pachinko and parfaits" she sighed heavily and crossed her arms "There really is no future for us with such an irresponsible adult wasting our money away. It's no wonder the whims of a kid are neglected"

Shinpachi nodded and Gintoki turned a corner, suddenly very fascinated with a new brand of Ayanami Mei's chocolate cookies.

"Ugh, why is he always like this..."

"At least he got what _he_ wanted!" Kagura snapped with a pout.

"Don't worry, Gintoki-sama is very considerate, I'm sure he will find a way to buy your sukonbu" Tama declared. The statement brought a shine to Kagura's eyes despite the scowl plastered on her face. Shinpachi rolled his eyes,shrugged his shoulders and moved on to the next item on the Yorozuya's list.

Tama made a move to follow him but her system forced her to shut down for a minor update and she froze on the snack aisle. Once she restarted and came back, loud noises got her attention and she walked in the direction of Gintoki and Shinpachi's loud voices.

"What the hell do you think you're doing putting that in the basket!" Shinpachi yelled baffled. Tama's mechanical eyes instantly locked on the shopping basket in search of any suspicious item.

"Pachi-boy you don't need to be embarrassed about grown up stuff" Gintoki replied coolly.

"Yeah, what a pussy" Kagura echoed the sentiment.

"Gin-san! Kagura-chan is here! T-Those things, you should buy them yourself in secret, in the m-m-middle of the night, somewhere on the next district, not here! Not when Kagura-chan is present, y-you idiot!" Shinpachi said in hysterics.

Kagura sent him a look of scorn, grabbed the nearest pack of sukonbu and ripped it open obstinately.

"Kagura-chan no, stop! This is not the time for-"

"Shinpachi you need to solve your problems and let men be men" Gintoki continued in his streak of indifference. By this time Tama had located a bottle of personal lubricant on the basket, along with a little square pack with the words SUPER LATEX written on either side.

"Gintoki-sama is just trying to be responsible about copulation. You should heed his advice" Tama said.

Shinpachi turned four shades of white, six of red and then fled the spot to proceed his shopping without another word. Kagura ignored Tama's blunt phrasing and kept staring at Shinpachi's back trying to drill holes through it by the strength of will alone, while Gintoki kept silent, a subtle smile playing on his lips.

Tama had a practical and naïve view of the world, so it is not surprising that only later on did she put two and two together and pondered further about Gintoki's attempts at procreation. She knew there needed to be a man and a woman involved and, thus, she occupied her thoughts with possible candidates for the mother of Gintoki-sama's offspring during her evening sweeping. The list was long and Tama tried to formulate patterns and rankings, taking into account the women's features, attributes, traits, personalities and abilities. Tama eventually found herself devising the perfect human baby and soon gave up on the subject since the women Gintoki knew were too complex and paradoxical for rigorous computer equations. She would fry her circuits if she thought too much about it. Fortunately a chance sighting simplified the whole ordeal of conceiving Gintoki's perfect child. After finishing her night sweeping, Tama had been sent upstairs for Otose's daily demand of rent when she witnessed some intimate scene between Gintoki-sama and the Shinsengumi's Vice Commander. While her registry updated both men's data, she decided to stay there watching until no more doubts clouded her judgment. Yes they were kissing. Yes they were going for some sort of copulation Tama was unaware of. It took a lot of Otose's explaining for her to finally comprehend, but Tama was an open-minded soul and intrigued by all aspects of human beings she had no idea about.

* * *

 

 

 Yamazaki

Yamazaki was less a fool than most people actually thought him to be. The anpan lover turned spy extraordinaire had more to say for himself than the washed up banalities his creator had bestowed upon him. He was quite a random fellow surely, but he tried his best to stand out every time he could except on those days when the Vice Commander went to the dojo to oversee the troops' training. It was an unspoken rule of the Shinsengumi not to do anything outstandingly great or outstandingly stupid at such occasions. They'd have the wrath of their Demonic Vice Commander to contend with otherwise. Yamazaki was aware of this fact like no other. He had practically invented the secret rule himself after so many years of abuse. It was no wonder he stuck to it like pestilence.

The sounds of the practice swords clashing against each other rang in Yamazaki's ears with twice their usual sonority given the strength of the blows. It was mainly speculation on Yamazaki's part, but he believed the Vice Commander took extra advantage of these sessions to vent out the stress ingrained in his body after all those hours he spent poring over paperwork during the week. His daily exercises never amounted to more than habit so every opportunity he had to get out and beat other people senseless had the Vice Commander walk around with a sparkle of excitement in his eyes. Yamazaki could already glimpse it the day before, as could all the less skilled officers and rookies who knew what waited them the following day. It was like the man emanated an aura of evil palpable to his victims.

"Next!"

Yamazaki stood rooted to his spot watching as rookie after rookie battled the beast until they succumbed to the floor. He knew most of them were better swordsmen than what they showed on such a sad display. It was the fear of hurting or riling up their Vice Commander that held them back. _And not without reason_. Yamazaki nodded to himself.

"Yamazaki are you nodding your head at your fallen comrade!? Want to be next, you fucking maggot!"

Yamazaki's forehead instantly collided with the wooden floor in apology and he squirmed backwards in submission. Hijikata sent him a look of contempt and called for another sparring partner, ignoring him completely.

Once in a while an actual challenger stood up. It was not surprising because it was known the Shinsengumi was filled with idiots to the brim. Nevertheless, Yamazaki always felt his heart die a little every time he saw the sadistic smile playing on the Vice Commander's lips when some bold dumbnut stepped up. _Another body to get acquainted with the infirmary for a week_. Yamazaki shook his head.

"Yamazaki are you shaking your head at your brave comrade!? Want to commit seppuku while we watch, you brainless piece of crap!"

"No sir, forgive me, sir!" Yamazaki bent over the floor once again, deciding to stay put until he heard the swords clashing again.

He had often wondered if there was anyone out there more fearsome than his Vice Commander, or better even, someone who could terrify him as much as he did everyone else. Captain Okita could be pretty frightening in his own sick way, Yamazaki had seen things in the shadows that he dared not tell anyone. And the Commander was intimidating too, in his own strange gorilla way. At least everyone respected him, right?

After training, Yamazaki left the dojo to prepare the Vice Commander's snack. The man himself went for a hot shower while complaining of sore muscles and his victims were dragged to the infirmary to get their injuries checked .Yamazaki put the lid on the teapot and was ready to pick up the tray to take it to Hijikata's room when Okita popped up.

"Yo, is Hijikata-san done with his weekly decimation?" he asked in his flat, uninterested voice. Yamazaki sighed.

"Yes, sir, he's gone to take a shower"

"Perfect" Okita mumbled "Where's my camera..."

Yamazaki felt a shiver run up his spine and he quickly broke eye-contact. Captain Okita could be quite the creepy guy... most of the time.

"I'm going to take the tea to the Vice Commander, excuse me"

Okita didn't seem to mind and Yamazaki tried not to think about what he was going to do or why. Ignoring Captain Okita was always the right thing to do when you sensed his oncoming amusement. Yamazaki rapidly changed his plans to just drop the tea and flee, discarding his usual ass-kissing. It wasn't really effective anyway, not to mention it was best to stay away from Hijikata for the next couple of hours until Okita brought the whole of the barracks down with him.

"Sir, I've brought your tea and snacks" Yamazaki announced as he slid the door open with his foot. Hijikata was dressed in his yukata, stretching his arms tiredly.

"Leave it on the table"

"Yes sir" Yamazaki cleared some space amidst the paper stacks and put down the tray. He was counting the seconds to leave the room when the Vice Commander called him out. If there had been a hole nearby Yamazaki would have very much liked to dive into it.

"Yamazaki, come here a moment" he said raggedly. Yamazaki held his breath. Someone had ratted him out! Hijikata must have discovered the secret rule. He had found out that Yamazaki was at the root of every act of cowardice among the rookies and now all fell into place and there was only seppuku to be had. This was going to be his reckoning!

"Y-es?" Yamazaki's voice was barely audible.

"Would you mind giving my shoulders a rub? I really pushed it today" Hijikata said as he took out his cigarette pack.

Yamazaki regained control of his breathing and felt his heart descend back to his ribcage. The sense of relief was overwhelming.

"Sure sir, but you should hold back on those cigarettes. It's counterproductive, don't you think?"

"Shut up and do as you're told" Hijikata snarled.

Yamazaki didn't protest further and proceeded to give his massage happily, temporarily forgetting Okita's devious plans and his own sense of survival. He had no idea that he was soon to have the answer to the questions of his musings revealed. Nothing could have prepared him for it, nor remind him to keep up his guard. He barely saw it coming.

As Hijikata's tense muscles gave in under his fingers, so did his irritable mood. He ended up voicing his pleasure aloud and repeatedly. Yamazaki felt quite proud of his technique and he was sure such a stunt would spare him torture for the next couple of days. However it didn't help him dodge the boot that smashed through the door panel of the porch and almost dislocated his jaw.

Tears instantly welled up in his eyes blurring his vision. He howled in pain and stood long minutes blinded by it. Even his hearing went off and only after some ten minutes did he regain his awareness of reality. He was still slightly stupefied, but Yamazaki could clearly discern Yorozuya's Danna as he tried to disentangle himself from the remains of the door panel and keep a flustered Hijikata under control.

"Sorry, Jimmy-kun I thought you were a cockroach"

The answer did not dawn on Yamazaki until later when Okita showed him the pictures he had taken of the moment Gintoki burst into the room. Just by looking at his eyes Yamazaki could tell there really was someone much more fearsome than his own Vice Commander lurking about.

There were no more stunt massages from Yamazaki Sagaru.

* * *

 

 

 Tsukuyo

The day was sparkling blue and warm and yet it was not pleasant enough to appease Tsukuyo's temper nor put a smile on her face. She was threading angrily through the Kabuki District, her steps somewhat resigned by now, on the account of Hinowa and her request. Tsukuyo was to deliver Yoshiwara's thanks to the Yorozuya for their help on a cleaning job they had undertaken the previous week. A menial task, nothing more. By the amount of the payment, one could say it was Hinowa helping the Yorozuya rather than the opposite, but truth was they barely scraped by. Tsukuyo thought it well and proper that Hinowa showed her gratitude and rewarded the three idiots considerably. The gesture didn't show any sign of weakness or submission, which a woman should always care to avoid, but instead kindness and dignity. Such intentions were hence impossible to displease Tsukuyo. It was something else entirely that bothered her, a sensation that was not altogether unfamiliar at this point and that she was both surprised and appalled she still nurtured. Maybe she could not part with it any more, maybe she needed a stronger incentive to just simply let it go as she knew she must do. Either way, the crush itself should already have been reason enough to put an end to all indecision, yet the more she got to know him and the more time passed by, deeper did her affection for the ridiculous man buried itself inside her heart. Knowing he was nothing short of a ladies' man, well, what with that sick masochist ninja girl continuously creeping up on him and Otae-san gravitating around him under the excuse of taking care of her brother and Kagura; and then there was the robot maid, yeah, Tsukuyo wasn't stupid, or paranoid; and the old lady from the bar, the weather girl, the man with the cat years in the green kimono, and even Hinowa herself, the list was endless and Tsukuyo knew it by heart now. She knew it much better than the years she had known Gintoki which was a bit macabre. Tsukuyo shrugged her shoulders at this assessment and blew out a puff of smoke.

Pipe in her hand, she turned the last corner to Gintoki's house and the first thing she saw was Tama, the robot maid, sweeping the front of Otose's bar. Her blank detached gaze met Tsukuyo's and she was forced to stop by and greet the ladies.

"Hello, good morning"

Otose and Catherine were already on their seventh smoke and held her up for a bit of small talk. Tsukuyo listened to them patiently but when she made for the front door to leave they immediately started to tease her.

"You came to see Gintoki, uh?" Otose asked her with a cunning expression. Tsukuyo's cheeks would have stayed their usual pale hue but Catherine's side remark made it impossible not to blush.

"Yeah, this one wants to get busy I bet"

Tsukuyo turned a deep maroon all over, ears burning with blood, and almost dropped her pipe.

"I did not! I j-just came on H-Hinowa's behalf t-to to deliver their payment and to see K-Kagura-chan and to run some errands!"

"Sure you did" Catherine muttered. Otose elbowed her not so discreetly on the stomach, missing her chest by an inch.

"Yah! You want to rip my boobs off, old woman!?"

"What did you say, you ingrate!?"

Tsukuyo took advantage of the unexpected argument to exit the bar and bumped once again into Tama who was still sweeping the ground outside.

"Uh sorry" she apologized quickly, then remembering her duty asked "Did you see Gintoki today? Or any of the kids?"

Tama's big lifeless orbs stared at her for a while in silence. She seemed to be either in deep thought or just plain shut down. Tsukuyo was about to repeat her question again when Tama finally spoke.

"You should come back another day. Gintoki-sama is not interested in procreation" she said.

Tsukuyo's heart jumped three feet and her neck caught fire for approximately a whole eternity. She had to lean a hand against the front of the bar to keep standing up.

"What the hell are you spouting that nonsense for?! I hate that pervert old man! How could you say that?! Are your having a short circuit or what!?"

Tsukuyo didn't let Tama answer with another straightforward remark and just scampered away towards the stairs to Gintoki's house. Her brain was a muddle of imperative screams and cries for propriety, and amidst it she was not able to filter any sense into her actions. Before she knew it she had walked inside the Yorozuya's and was standing in the living room, impatiently tapping her feet against the floor. Once the denial alarm stopped echoing inside her head she collected herself and looked around in search of life signals. There were none.

"Gintoki...?" the name left her mouth in a whisper.

She glimpsed a flash of silver hair across the desk. He was sitting on the swivel chair, its high back hiding his figure from the world. Too bad his hair was impossible to miss since it was sticking up wildly.

Tsukuyo took a long drag on her pipe, rummaged through the fabric of her kimono and then produced from it the money envelope. She stepped forward to place it on the desk but Gintoki's voice interrupted her. She found it strange, especially because he didn't seem to be talking to her. He wasn't even talking at all. He was just moaning and cursing.

"Oh, fuck... I think I'm c-"

Tsukuyo lost her grasp on her pipe and it fell to the floor along with the envelope. The noise obviously startled Gintoki and he swiveled around in his chair briskly, dismay all over his features. Tsukuyo had stopped trying to maintain her normal body temperature. She was a pile of red meat. Her eyes met Gintoki's and they both shared a moment of silence before she noticed his erect cock looking lonely and needy.

She didn't think twice before turning towards the sofa and grabbing it with her two hands, absolutely intent on sending it flying to Gintoki's crotch.

"No! Wait!-"

Gintoki managed to hop over the desk in a desperate attempt to stop her, but he tripped on his pants, which had fallen to his ankles, and both toppled onto the sofa with Gintoki unceremoniously on top.

"GET OFF ME YOU FUCKING PERVERT!"

"No, really wait, you don't understand! I wasn't calling those kinds of numbers! No shady lines here, I swear-"

"GET OFF!" Tsukuyo screamed while trying to claw his fucking face off.

"Not the face!" Gintoki wrestled back in vain hopes of explaining himself, but Tsukuyo was very near her urge to kill him.

"Get off me, you idiot!"

"Get the fuck off her"

That voice was so chilling Tsukuyo felt a shiver run down her spine. Gintoki immediately froze above her and she noticed that he had even gone limp. Some distant, rational part of her recognized the voice, yet she was not in sufficient control of herself to make it out.

Gintoki had his mouth open but no sound came out. Tsukuyo just looked at him in awe. She had never seen Gintoki like this. A blade materialized between them and Tsukuyo was forced to lift up her head and look back at her incidental savior. Hijikata Toshiro.

"H-Hijikata-kun this is not-"

"You're gonna lose your head if you don't get off her in two seconds"

Gintoki stepped aside at once and turned away to pull up his pants. Tsukuyo stood up calmly, trying to regain her composure and natural color. She looked up at Hijikata with a thankful look and bowed slightly as he sheathed his sword.

"Thank you"

He just grunted in response, eyes glued to Gintoki with some extreme hatred Tsukuyo took the liberty to partake in. She bent down to get her pipe and fetched the envelope, slamming it down on Gintoki's desk furiously.

"From Hinowa" she added.

She saw Gintoki from the corner of her eye but he barely nodded at her. He and Hijikata were stuck in some idiotic stare contest which Tsukuyo could not really understand. She walked out of the room a bit confused and, unable to stop herself, glanced back before losing sight of them. She saw Gintoki fighting a huge grin from taking over his face and Vice Commander Hijikata's hand trembling in a curled fist. She didn't get it. And it bothered her.

She was closing the front door when she heard it.

"Jealous much, Hijikata-kun? You're shaking" Gintoki teased in a devious voice. Tsukuyo's heart jumped again and she, who did not think it possible to blush any more that day, glowed again.

Who knew the Vice Commander of the Shinsengumi had a crush on her.


	2. The Perks of Being a Nicotine Addict

Hijikata's room was sober and clean. On his desk rested a new pack of cigarettes and the daily stacks of paperwork Yamazaki brought him from uncharted territory beyond the archives, certainly some alien twilight zone. They never missed a day. Hijikata's legs led him to his seat almost unconsciously and, as soon as he sat down and reached for his first smoke of the morning, Yamazaki came in from the porch with a smile on his face. Hijikata returned his cheerful greeting with a soft tilt of his head and lit his cigarette.

"It's a fine day Vice Commander! The garden outside looks so peaceful, I think it's ideal for your gift"

"What gift?"

"Well..." Yamazaki shifted a little and then produced a potted plant from behind his back "Here it is!" he presented it happily with arms outreached. Hijikata glared at it unceremoniously.

"It's not my birthday Yamazaki. What's it for?"

"I know it isn't, sir. I didn't get it, sir, no, it wasn't me, no sir, I just went out this morning to buy myself a batch of freshly baked anpans and nothing more sir. I do not know what this plant is, I don't even like plants, just red beans- uh, I mean, I just like whatever plants are involved in the process of making-"

"Yeah, yeah I get it! Just either shut up or go dispose of yourself!" Hijikata yelled, two fingers tapping the desk impatiently. He eyed the plant carefully and wondered whether it was another one of Sougo's attempts at his life.

"Who gave it to you?"

"Dunno sir, I found it in front of the barracks with a note and your name written on it. You think it's some admirer?"

One had to blame Hijikata for being half-asleep. His first reaction was to scorn the idea and shrug his shoulders but when he put two and two together his eyes widened.

"What the fuck are you even talking about! What admirer?! Get rid of it!" He barked angrily, turning his back on Yamazaki to hide any red that might have crept on his countenance. He rested his elbows on the desk and let his head fall on his hands, brain working furiously while he thought of ways to punish _the_ idiot, if indeed he had been the one to send him the damned thing.

"What, sir?! But such beautiful flowers might grow! You really want me to get rid of it?"

"If you want to be a sissy about it fine! Whatever! I don't care! Have it! Just get out and let me work!" Hijikata's outburst was final and Yamazaki fled the room, pot in hand, ready to get it on the ground.

Hijikata proceeded with his work without further ado, refusing to indulge his sappy hopes. He still had four stacks of paperwork to read and sign before going out on patrol and time was slipping by.

"It's done, sir. I've planted it just a few steps from the pond, it looks quite lovely now that it has flowered. It's gonna improve your outdoors meditation I'm sure" Yamazaki said twenty minutes later, returning from the garden with smudged hands and dirt on his face. The sight was enough to aim a pen at his eye.

"What the fuck are you talking about and why the hell did you come in here shitting dirt after you!?" Hijikata yelled.

"I-I'm sorry Vice Commander, I was talking about the flower, the one from before?"

"The dirt!"

"Yes! I will go clean myself immediately!"

Yamazaki disappeared into the barracks and left Hijikata to his work once more. The later was pacified and soon finished his bureaucratic task right on time for his morning patrol. He got up and headed to his porch for a stretch, not totally heedless of the subtle trail of dirt Yamazaki had left on his tatami floor.

"I didn't need him tomorrow anyway" Hijikata mused to himself, making a mental note to throw Yamazaki on a dungeon planted in a pile of dirt like the pansy flowery shit he liked. Speaking of flowers, Hijikata was a bit taken aback by how quickly he noticed the once potted plant. He had barely slid shut the door to his room when the flower's bright blue color got his attention by the pond. The sunlight shone on the petals in a otherworldly fashion, bringing out a turquoise glint that made him suspect it might not exactly be from Earth, but rather some imported product from space. It seemed something quite fancy and Hijikata, in haste to secure the hopes his eternal denial had buried, easily reached the most basic of conclusions: Gintoki couldn't afford those flowers, Gintoki lacked the class and taste to buy those flowers, Gintoki did not send him those flowers. The conclusion allowed him to sigh in relief, awkwardly enough. Hijikata didn't feel any disappointment in such a verdict. He was too much of a prude to enjoy flashy things like gifts, except maybe mayonnaise or mayo-related offerings. Those he had to admit he thoroughly enjoyed, perhaps even-

"Some other hot-and-bothered kind of gifts as well, don't you think Hijikata-san?"

Hijikata twisted his neck with a start, regretting the wasted effort as soon as as he locked eyes with the resident psychopath.

"Those ugly-ass flowers shoved down your throat are on top of my Christmas list!"

"Oh my, poor dear Santa still has to make a long journey to pleasure this manchild..." Okita mourned.

Hijikata bit too hard on his cigarette and let half of it fall to the ground.

"One of these days, Sougo, one of these days-"

"You will die, yes, that was exactly what I was going to say"

"Anyway!" Hijikata waved his hand in front of Sougo in an attempt to erase him completely and restart the conversation "Have you seen anyone nearby the barracks this morning? Anyone suspicious who could have dropped this here?"

"Hijikata-san, you know I only stalk the back of your porch. Your garden is the only exciting thing to monitor, otherwise I wouldn't forfeit my sleep" Okita answered in his most sincere tone. Hijikata turned four different shades of red, two from rage and two from embarrassment.

"That's why you sleep on the fucking job!" he replied angrily.

"No, that's why I take repairing naps"

"Exactly!"

Hijikata spit out the remains of the cigarette he had crunched in a fury and popped another one on his mouth to avoid face-palming himself to death. He took a long drag on it and after exhaling turned back to Sougo.

"The flower is strange though, have you ever seen anything like it?"

"No, it's definitely alien" Sougo replied without pause "I think it's gonna kill us all with its dangerous toxic properties" he took out a gas mask from his back pocket and put it on "Which is quite alright with me because it's a great way for Hijikata-san to go. Not only will you totally disappoint the Commander by having put the whole Shinsengumi at risk, the alien plant will end up killing you as well" he then put a hand on Hijikata's shoulder and squeezed lightly "Don't worry about Kondo-san, I have a second gas mask ready for him. We will rebuild the Shinsengumi after you're gone"

"Shut the fuck up Sougo!" Hijikata bellowed. He brushed Okita's hand away and looked at him with disgust then back at the flower with the same expression. He hated to even think it, but Sougo might be right. The flower might not have been a gift at all, but some kind of threat.

"YAMAZAAAAAKIII!"

The epitome of plainness and stupidity came running by the third syllable of his name and the first thing that greeted him by the porch was a fierce punch back to corridor he had just come from. He smashed through the shōji doors of Hijikata's room and collided with two officers walking by it, all while under the raging shouts of his Vice-Commander blaming their future demise on him.

"You're gonna fix this Yamazaki, even if I have to kill you and bring you back a hundred times! Get your ass out here and take this shit out, it's gonna kill us all!"

Yamazaki nodded quickly, getting up and limping over to the garden while massaging his swollen cheeks.

"YOU TWO THERE!" the two unfortunate bystanders of Yamazaki's abuse stopped dead in their tracks at the blaring voice.

"Y-yes-sir?"

"Come here take a look at this flower" Hijikata said amidst a puff of smoke.

The two men approached cautiously and peeked at the sparkling blue plant from behind Okita's shoulders.

"Ever seen anything like it?"

"No, sir, never"

"No, it must be alien"

It seemed everyone agreed on that, which meant they had to investigate the matter further and get some professional help. The opinion of a couple of bozos wasn't all that technical.

"You two go fetch me someone who knows about alien flora, especially the dangerous kind" Hijikata told the two officers "And you" Hijikata kicked Yamazaki's butt to get his attention as he was crouched near the plant ready to dig it back out "Leave that alone for now, we don't know what might happen if we remove it. The roots might have turned into some kind of bomb or who knows what kind of alien crap"

"How paranoid Hijikata-san~" Okita teased.

"Keep your mouth shut!" Hijikata hissed "Yamazaki, you stay here and watch the plant while I'm gone. If anything happens call me immediately"

"Yeash shir!" Yamazaki nodded with a bloated face.

"I have a morning patrol to run"

* * *

It was quite easy to forget the crazy at the barracks once one traded it for the crazy of Kabuki district. A strange alien plant wasn't much compared to the sick degrading degenerates that crawled those streets. Hijikata could only be so glad though. It never took him a lot of waiting till the next flurry of chaos unfolded. He was overseeing the arrest of a group of third-rate gangsters at a local convenience store when out of nowhere a big pink van almost ran him over and barely avoided a crash into the next door cleaners. The clamor was instantaneous. The Shinsengumi officers and gangsters both started yelling at each other, the cleaners lady shrieked at the moron of a driver and even an old man walking by spit in their direction.

"Everyone shut the hell up!" Hijikata growled impatiently "Just cuff the bastards! Harada get me the car"

Hijikata lit a cigarette and walked over to the man coming out of the driver's seat. On the side of the pink van it read in big golden letters IKEMEN GARDEN. Hijikata blew out a long puff of smoke eying the words with mistrust. The voice that followed proved his suspicion wasn't mere instinct.

"Sorry there Mr. Officer, I was too focused on the road and almost didn't see you" Gintoki said as blankly as ever, wearing a matching pink cap on his head.

"That makes no sense at all, you complete imbecile!" Hijikata growled. He took a deep breath to calm himself and with regained sanity continued "We're trying to work here, what do you think you're doing driving around in such a weird van? It doesn't surprise me in the least to be honest but-"

"Yes, yes mister, I apologize" Gintoki cut him short "Now if you excuse me, I must be on my way, lots of work to do"

Hijikata remained silent and watched as Gintoki returned to his seat behind the wheel and closed the door. He was still rooted to the spot when the van disappeared at the next intersection. What the fuck had just happened? Hijikata's flabbergasted expression brought on the worry of his bald subordinate.

"Sir, is everything ok? Wasn't that Danna? You let him go?" Harada asked. Hijikata was equally bewildered but his brain was able to come up with an answer nevertheless.

"Yeah, but I got the number plate" he lied.

"Very well, sir. We've got the whole gang in custody and ready to go" Harada reported.

Hijikata nodded, not noticing the cigarette in his mouth fall to the ground. He was ready for a nice long ride in the car to reflect on Gintoki's alarming lack of rudeness. His apathy and general unpleasantness was nothing surprising, but Hijikata couldn't help feeling slightly disturbed and even creeped out by his indifference. It was not without an almost insurmountable amount of shame that Hijikata admitted he knew all of Gintoki's antics by heart now, but he did known them, and what had just happened did not fall anywhere near the category of stupid outcomes meeting Gintoki anywhere usually brought on.

"Yo, officers over there, stop!"

A man with a ginormous afro and nose hair joining up his sideburns ran towards the Shisengumi with two other men behind him. Three officers quickly shielded Hijikata and one of them took out a bazooka and aimed it at the afro man.

"BEGONE DEMON!" the rocket launched with a loud blast and black smoke, yet it swerved midway and hit the cleaners store, doing what Gintoki had successfully failed to do five minutes ago.

"You fucking MORON!" Hijikata kicked the bazooka idiot aside and sent him home to the barracks to prepare for seppuku. Harada went to console the poor cleaners lady who was in absolute hysterics and the rest of the Shinsengumi officers yelled at the gangsters who laughed their asses off inside the police cars.

"You better have a damn good fucking complaint to interrupt a dangerous police operation at this hour of the day!" Hijikata cried out at the afro stupor.

"Indeed it is! Ten of our guys just got kidnapped, including Kyoushirou-sama!" the man with the afro cried back at him. Hijikata frowned.

"What?! Who are you?"

"Takamagahara's chief bodyguard, Hochirou!"

Hijikata was still a bit lost and it took him a subordinate whispering "from the male host club" at his ear for him to finally get it.

"Oh yeah, the guys from the male host club" Hijikata replied with a small cough, trying to cover his ignorance "How did that happen? Aren't you the bodyguard? What do you need the police for, we are extremely fucking busy at the moment"

"The guys started acting weird yesterday and today a pink van picked them up and took off. You need to help us! They are our top earners! Kyoushirou-sama's life is in danger! We'll run out of business and the whole female population of the district will blame you! How dare you dogs not help your flawless citizens! I am appalled!"

"You ain't no flawless citizen!" Hijikata snapped. He took a drag on his cigarette and let his brain backtrack a few sentences. _A pink van picked them up._

Fuck.

A terrible migraine threatened to put Hijikata out of commission for the day. Too much shit was starting to pile up and he was already too tired and somewhat afraid to put it all together. In fact, how fucking terrifying would it be if all that had happened until now was connected? Hijikata just wanted to go back to his room and drown in paperwork, no male hosts, no unruly gangsters, no bazookas, no alien flowers, no Gintoki bullshit, no nothing.

"OIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII MAYOOOOORAAAAA!" the street carried the scream from almost a mile away. Hijikata lifted his head with little vigor, hoping it had just been his imagination. It wasn't.

Kagura rode atop Sadaharu in haste, resolve glistening in her eyes. When they reached him, she jumped off and landed two steps away from him, quickly erasing that distance and clinging violently to his jacket.

"Oi you stupid Mayora! Where's Gin-chan! Give him back! NOW!"

Hijikata's white skin fried and he looked around in embarrassment at his subordinates, who were listening attentively with looks of mild confusion on their faces. Hijikata's self-absorption didn't let him realize the information gap between their minds so he quickly rebuffed Kagura, his mortification at the brink.

"I didn't arrest him! I don't know where he went!"

"But, but, but..."

"Kagura-chan!" Shinpachi appeared next out of breath, tired and puffing from running after Sadaharu and Kagura.

"Shinpachi, he doesn't have Gin-chan either!" Kagura told her friend miserably, a big finger pointing towards Hijikata and almost poking him in the eye.

"I don't HAVE him, you can't HAVE A PERSON!" Hijikata repeated, his heart beating fast with no hope of ever getting that misunderstanding cleared.

"Hijikata-san, you haven't seen Gin-san? He took off last night for a job without us and Kagura is worried" Shinpachi explained "not to mention, hungry"

Kagura's stomach growled in accordance.

"Oh, it's you!" Hachirou interrupted their conversation and greeted the two kids. The other two host club men followed.

"It's little Miss!"

"Hello Miss!"

"I told you guys to call me Queen not Miss!" Kagura told them haughtily, hands on her hips "Did you bring the Dom Péri?"

"You're still a child!" Shinpachi yelled out, punching her in the head before addressing the afro man "How are you doing Hachirou-san, how goes the club?"

"Terrible! I was telling the Shinsengumi here how Kyoushirou-sama was kidnapped along with our hosts"

"What? When?!"

"Today in a pink van"

"A pink van?"

"Danna stopped by in a pink van awhile ago"

Everyone looked at Harada with bulged eyes, including Hijikata who suddenly got an overwhelming desire to murder him. Hell was about to break lose.

"WHAT? GIN-SAN?

"GIN-CHAAAAN?"

"Yorozuya?"

"Yes, he almost ran over the Vice-Commander and crashed into the cleaners, I've been talking to the lady until now" Harada replied in the same nonchalant manner.

Hijikata's lip and palms were bleeding from how much he was holding himself back. He could picture his hands around Harada's neck, clenching and clenching and clenching until no air got out.

"Mayora YOU LIAR!" Kagura jumped again at him and shook him by the collar furiously "YOU LIAAAAR"

"Wait a sec- WAIT A FUCKING SECOND!" Hijikata managed to get the China girl off him and tried to calm everyone down.

"Yes I did see him, but I don't know where he went with that van. It read IKEMEN GARDEN on the side, you sure that van isn't from your club?" he asked Hachirou. The afro man shook his head.

"No, I've never seen it. It's tasteless and cheap, with glitter and gold lettering, vulgar!"

"Your whole club is like that!" Hijikata and Shinpachi retorted in unison.

Hijikata lit his hundredth cigarette that day and sighed.

"And why would that imbecile kidnap your hosts anyway?"

"Yes, it makes no sense at all, Gin-san would never do that to you guys" Shinpachi added.

"You clearly never went to pachinko with him. Gin-san would sell his unborn children to win some balls" Hasegawa, who had been lying in an old smelly cardboard nearby, said wisely, unleashing another of Shinpachi's uncontrollable attacks of distress over how wrong he had just sounded.

"Shinpachi calm your virgin ears and shut up! You shut up too Madao! Go hang out at the park or something, you stink!" Kagura grumbled.

"Hasegawa-san, have you seen Gin-san by any chance?"

"As a matter of fact, yes. He almost ran over the Vice Commander over there by the cleaners"

"We know that already!" everyone protested.

"Did you see him before that?"

"Well, sort of. We were going to hit the pachinko parlors last night but he ditched me for some girl. I was quite hurt, you know? It was going to be my lucky night" Hasegawa whined sadly. Kagura clicked her tongue in disgust.

"You don't have lucky nights Hasegawa-san..." Shinpachi uttered dryly.

Meanwhile, Hijikata was stuck at the part where Gintoki had ditched pachinko for a girl and it wasn't pleasant. Could it have anything to do with the whole kidnapping hosts issue? Knowing Gintoki it could very well have, but it could very well be a whole different matter as well. As Hijikata's mind dwelt on that second possibility his gaze met Shinpachi's and the four-eyes quickly broke eye contact.

"Something the matter Vice-Commander?" Harada enquired worriedly. It was then Hijikata noticed he must have been wearing a serious case of death-glare on his face. He quickly tried to relax so as not to freak anyone out, but he failed astoundingly.

"No, everything's fine, absolutely fine- AS IF! Of course, something's the matter! This whole fucking town is driving me nuts! First the alien plant, then those assholes" he gestured towards the cuffed gangsters "then that crazy fool in the van, now the kidnapped people and these..." he looked at Kagura and Shinpachi with vexation but nothing came out.

Silence.

"You said alien plant?" Hasegawa blurted out. Hijikata looked at him and concurred.

"In a pot?"

"Yeah"

"With a strange blue color?"

"You've seen it?" Hijikata started.

"Yeah! Lots of them! Gin-san was carrying them for that girl"

Another vein popped dangerously in Hijikata's forehead. Beside him he heard Kagura and Shinpachi gasp, but it was Hachirou's revelation which surprised him the most.

"No way! Then it was him who delivered the flowers at the host club last night!"

"What?"

"Woah! Something really fishy is going on" Shinpachi said "So Gin-san left home last night to meet a girl and help her deliver alien flowers around Kabuki-cho?"

"And now he is kidnapping the people who got them. What a bastard!" Hachirou cursed.

Hijikata's brain hurt from all the nonsense. Nonetheless, if all of it was connected they had to start by the only thing they could get their hands on at the moment. That said, Hijikata shipped everyone off to the barracks and decided to tackle the alien flower problem first.

* * *

"Vice-Commander! Vice-Commander!" Yamazaki came running towards him as soon as they arrived. He looked panicked and indisposed, as if he had seen a ghost.

"What? Why aren't you watching that damn plant like I told you?! Do you want to commit seppuku? What the hell happened?"

"H-he i-is here" Yamazaki mumbled.

"Who?"

"T-the f-f-f-f-flower s-s-specialist"

Hijikata raised an eyebrow in curiosity and shrugged. He told Harada and the rest of the officers to take the gangsters to the cells and proceeded to the back garden with Yamazaki and the rest of the group.

"What's wrong with Yamazaki-san?" Shinpachi whispered by Hijikata's ear.

"He's just mentally challenged"

"He looks seriously scared, what kind of plant is it? Maybe we shouldn't approach it?"

Both Shinpachi and Hijikata were soon corrected in their suppositions. The root of Yamazaki's fear came into view, all green and happy, surrounded by uneasy members of the Shinsengumi.

"Shinpachi look! It's Hedoro!" Kagura exclaimed happily.

Hedoro turned his head around once he heard her voice and as he locked his frightening stare with theirs, the whole group gulped down a scream of horror.

"You guys called him?!" Hijikata muttered to Yamazaki, his teeth clenched in anger.

"T-there w-was no one else, sir. He has a flower shop and k-knows about a-alien plants" Yamazaki explained "Besides, he is cheap. When they told him about the flower he said it was super rare and that he would be honored to help"

Hijikata eased a bit at the prospect of having to spend less money on the alien operation.

"Where's Kondo-san?"

"Well, something happened" Yamazaki said timidly "It's about the flower..."

Hijikata shot a quick glance at the alien plant.

"It looks the same"

"Yeah, but it speaks"

Hijikata nodded. After the idea sank in he did a painful double take and pulled out his sword.

"Let's kill it!"

"No Hijikata-san, stop-"

Yamazaki's warning wasn't without reason for Hedoro soon stepped up in front of Hijikata, his entire height looming above him and his face looking its absolute scariest. His arms were crossed in front of his massive chest and his red pupils shone with menace.

"Vice-Commander-san what do you pretend to do with that sword?"

"Nothing" Hijikata sheathed it.

"This flower can't be harmed" Hedoro said "It is part of somebody's body"

"What?"

"Just like the flower on top of my head" he pointed to the pink flower between his horns "There's a race not unlike my own who can grow flowers on their body and then uproot them"

"That's so nasty!" Kagura choked "So they just poop them out? Is this alien poop?"

"Oi, oi, are you saying my friend here has poop on his head, midget?" Okita remarked, appearing beside Hedoro with a smirk on his face.

"You're the poop, poop-face!"

"At least I am not alien-poop, China dwarf"

"Hey, you two calm down..."

While Shinpachi intervened in fight between the two crude idiots, Hijikata tried to understand how the talking flower might have anything to do with the kidnappings.

"What is this about the flower talking?" he asked Hedoro.

"It must be the main body. It has complete control over all its body parts and it can speak through them"

"So you all heard it speak?"

"No, just Kondo-san, sir" Yamazaki lamented.

Hijikata looked at his apologetic face with uncertainty. Clearly something had gone wrong.

"Where is he?"

"Over there crying" Yamazaki said, pointing to a corner of the garden where Kondo could be seen lying on the ground in fetal position, tears running silently down his face.

Hijikata was about to ask what the flower might have said when Hachirou's screams got everyone's attention and he was seen collapsing to the ground, curl up in a ball and join Kondo in the corner with loud sobs.

"What the fuck is going on?!" Hijikata bellowed.

"The flower said something to him!" a Shinsengumi member observed.

"Everyone get back!"

They all took a step backwards and stared at the alien plant.

"It happened again!"

"Are we all doomed?!"

"Hey! Wait a second everyone!" it was Shinpachi who interrupted the overall panic. He adjusted his glasses and they gleamed eerily in the sunlight "What if the girl Gin-san helped is the main body of the flower?"

"And why would she need his help to distribute flower pots?" Hijikata asked bitterly.

"Because she must have seen him leaving the apartment last night and saw the Odd Jobs sign" Shinpachi said matter-a-factually "Besides, didn't you say the pink van read IKEMEN GARDEN on the side? She must have a garden filled with flowers!"

"Filled with poop you mean" Kagura mumbled.

Hijikata was starting to see the whole idea.

"It actually makes sense, but then IKEMEN GARDEN translates as Garden of Beautiful Men. Could it be...?" Hijikata was unable to finish his sentence. Either the flowers were going to blossom into a freaking reverse harem anime or they were collecting men for a reverse harem anime. There was no in between. Everyone looked at the two host club men who had come with Hachirou.

"Hey ain't you a bit ugly to work as hosts?" Kagura's sincerity was a true blessing in awkward moments. The two men looked deeply offended but they were forced to contain their indignation in front of the Shinsengumi.

"W-we ain't no hosts!"

"We just help Hachirou-san with security!"

"Indeed" Shinpachi assented with some disgust.

"So they are kidnapping pretty men, how fucking creepy is that!" Hijikata barked.

"But why would Danna do it?" Yamazaki queried. It was indeed the big question.

"The flower's pollen has special properties. It can act as a depressant and relax whoever inhales it" Hedoro said "It used to be a very popular drug back in the day, now it's almost extinct which is why it is so rare"

"YOU MEAN ALIENS SNORTED EACH OTHERS' POOP? NO WAAAY!"

"Kagura-chan could you stop it with the poop jokes, you're insulting Hedoro-san OI! !? And Hedoro-san, could you be any more morbid? What you are saying sounds a lot like an alien race being wiped off in a drug war!" Shinpachi screamed.

"Could that pollen help whoever poops these flowers manipulate people?" Hijikata asked intrigued.

"It does makes suggestions sound much more agreeable, yes" Hedoro answered with a horrifying smile.

Hijikata felt goosebumps on his skin and looked the other way. The situation looked very bleak but now they had more or less an idea of what had happened the past night. With Hasegawa's help they got a rough sketch of the girl he had seen with Gintoki and an hour later Hijikata had dispatched half the Shinsengumi around town in search of the girl and the pink van. Kagura took off with Sadaharu and Shinpachi joined Hijikata and Yamazaki in the police car. The host club guys stayed at the barracks to look after their depressed boss and everyone else forgot about Kondo. No one knew and no one could understand how deeply hurt he and Afro-bro felt after the flower had told them how hideous they were.

* * *

After two hours of driving around Kabuki-cho without any luck, Hijikata received a tip from a couple of kids who had seen the flashy van drive by. Hijikata scolded them harshly for playing in the middle of the street, even threatened to send them to jail, and called all patrols to meet him by the old block of abandoned buildings the kids had mentioned. Kagura and Sadaharu were the first to arrive and they stood next to the pink van waiting eagerly. Hijikata kicked open the van's back and found it empty.

"They must have gone on inside"

"Let's go then!" Kagura said excitedly.

"Yamazaki stay here and tell the reinforcements to cover the whole block. We're going ahead"

"Yes, sir!"

The three prowled inside. The building smelled of rust and mold, yet there was no plant in sight, not even a smudge of dirt. They peeked inside empty rooms and climbed stairs upwards, one, two, three floors and still nothing. Hijikata began wondering how Gintoki had managed to drag ten bodies upstairs by himself when he remembered the pollen. It must have corrupted the hosts' minds, making them do as they were bid. Hijikata could picture quite clearly the army of hosts led by Gintoki. A sickening sight to be sure. Whoever was behind it had to be pretty fucked up in the head, because in spite of having put all the pieces of the puzzle together, discovering the true motive was still a big stretch.

"Over there, there's a light coming from that room" Shinpachi signaled them.

They ran towards it and inside they found four men from the host club tending to dozens of blue plants. These were much bigger, almost touching the ceiling, and their roots sprouted out of their pots. The blossoms were the size of a man's head and Hijikata could feel the pollen in the air.

"Wow..."

Kagura's breath of awe brought on the attention of the four hosts. They turned their heads towards them with a vicious movement and their eyes gleamed turquoise just like the flowers. Hostility was all over their faces. They picked up big gardening tools and lunged forward.

"RUUUNNN!"

Hijikata managed to pull Shinpachi by the collar and save him from a pitchfork to the face. They fled the room with haste and instead of going down they found themselves climbing up more stairs.

"Who the hell decided to go up!?" Shinpachi screeched.

"I'm just following China!" Hijikata replied.

"Why aren't we fighting them?!"

"Because they are IKEMEN!" Kagura and Hijikata replied together.

"ARE YOU IDIOTS?!"

They managed to hide in a small utility closet on the fifth floor after dodging half a dozen hedge trimmers on the staircase.

"Shuffle a bit Shinpachi I can't see!" Kagura complained, unable to peek through the keyhole.

"Are they gone yet?"

"I don't know, I can't see, fatso! Are you the one eating Gin-chan's caramel puddings?"

"No way, you are! I picked up an empty cup in your closet yesterday!"

"Wuuuut? That was my secret booger storage! You threw it out?!"

"Shut up you two!" Hijikata hissed "They'll hear us"

"No you shut up Mayora! You're the one who lied about not having Gin-chan!"

"S-shh-shut up!"

The sound of footsteps silenced the trio momentarily and Hijikata took the opportunity to light a cigarette before he lost his mind and indulged in a killing spree.

"O-OI! Kagura! Where are you t-touching me!" Shinpachi blurted out in a high pitched voice.

"What? I didn't do anything, I'm still trying to see- HOOORAH! Who touched my butt!"

"H-Hijikata-san!?"

"Mayora you bastard!"

Hijikata flicked his lighter and a bright blue glow appeared behind them. A huge plant with thick vines wriggled behind them, its roots already twisting around their feet. They burst out of the closet screaming with revulsion and ran straight into the murderous looking hosts. A fight ensued where they managed to tackle the beautiful men to the ground and steal the gardening weapons out of their hands. Hijikata tied them up with some rope and left them in a corner struggling against the tight knot.

"The Shinsengumi will pick these guys later, let's go"

"Oi Mayora" Kagura's call put a halt on his step "I've been thinking about this for a while..."

Hijikata and Shinpachi exchanged anxious looks before she resumed her argument.

"If the flowers are talking to the pretty guys, why ain't you hearing a thing?"

Hijikata looked at her dumbfounded and quite speechless. Shinpachi was quick to agree with her.

"Woah, I hadn't thought about that before. Good one Kagura-chan!"

"Mayora ain't so bad, right?"

Hijikata opened his mouth to retort and mostly to rebuff the strange wave of compliments when someone cut in.

"He reeks"

Gintoki's nonchalant voice was seldom received with such a mixture of relief and hatred. He stood on the stairway to the top floor looking his usual self, except his eyes shone blue instead of their warm crimson.

"Gin-chan-!"

"No step back!" Hijikata warned, unsheathing his sword.

"Hijikata-san what are you doing?" Shinpachi asked nervously.

"There's the rest of them"

Just as he said it, the other male hosts appeared behind Gintoki, all of them armed with gardening tools. Kyoushirou was there as well and by his arm was a small girl with her head wrapped in a pretty pink veil.

"Look! It's the pooper!"

"She's controlling all of them! What should we do?"

"They're just pretty men, they don't even know how to swing those things" Hijikata chuckled.

"That's rich coming from someone who refused to fight them a minute ago!" Shinpachi retorted angrily.

"Just lead them downstairs to the Shinsengumi and bring back some flamethrowers. We'll burn this whole damn place down" Hijikata said with some sadistic joy. Shinpachi and Kagura nodded.

The girl in the veil gave a sinister giggle.

"Fire cannot kill my babies" she said gently "I've taken such good care of them. I've even recruited a bunch of beautiful humans to tend to them so they can assimilate their beauty. I'm building the loveliest garden in all the galaxy as a gift to my sister and nobody, NOBODY is going to ruin it!" her voice grew to a icy shrill at the end and in a matter of seconds the male hosts charged forward.

Hijikata dodged them, leaving them to Shinpachi and Kagura's care, and went directly for the girl. He already expected Gintoki to protect her. She seemed to have the strongest control over him for good reasons. He was the strongest of all her thralls; he was the one who was going to save her garden. Or so the bitch thought.

Gintoki blocked his attack effortlessly. Hijikata was slightly pissed at the ease but swordfights with Gintoki always were very frustrating. His movements were quick and powerful, requiring all of Hijikata's focus to dodge them. Fortunately for him, Gintoki still retained his bokuto, otherwise Hijikata would probably go home with a cut or two.

"Oi stinky, you distracted or what?" Gintoki taunted, his face a perfect blank. Hijikata almost crashed against the railing of the stairs.

"Why do you keep saying that?" he grumbled a little out of breath.

"There's a stench about you. _She_ doesn't like it"

It was Hijikata's turn to break into a smile.

" _You_ don't complain much about it"

Something in Gintoki's face twitched and Hijikata feared to assume he had seen an old glint of red somewhere in his eyes.

"You smell like shit!"

"Is that what she's saying?" Hijikata replied with scorn. Gintoki could be petulant at times, but that had sounded too childish.

They clashed swords again, Gintoki's trembling more than it should. Hijikata wondered if he was fighting back the alien girl's voice or if it had been the strength of the impact. Either way, he took the opportunity to strike at Gintoki's wide left side, yet the Yorozuya's instincts were sharper than any drug infused in his system. Swordsmanship was at his very core. Gintoki stepped aside and counter-attacked, sending Hijikata's sword flying out of his hand. It landed on the other end of the corridor far from reach. Sprinting fast wasn't going to help. Gintoki's speed barely spared Hijikata any time to think and, before he knew it, he felt the bokuto hit his back and a boot trash his knee. He met the floor instantly.

"Shiit!"

Hijikata's back burned with pain and his left leg was numb. He coughed up some blood and discovered he had bitten his tongue amidst all the fighting. Looking at the man above him, an immense wave of revulsion washed over him and all he wanted to do was bash Gintoki's face against the wall as punishment. However, the feeling was bittersweet because Gintoki could hardly be blamed for the shitty situation they were in. Well, scratch that, it was all his fault. If he worked normal hours like normal people he would never have helped the psycho alien girl, the host club men would never have been kidnapped and Hijikata wouldn't be in this predicament. Gintoki was a fucking moron. He couldn't even send Hijikata a normal flower, it had to be a fucked up thing some girl had pooped out of her body from whatever orifice tree-like aliens possessed. Hijikata didn't even care. He was just so angry and all he craved right now, besides killing Gintoki and the girl over and over again, was a damn good smoke. Yes a good and soothing injection of nicotine in his-

"Holy shit. It's the cigarettes!" he exclaimed to himself. The shock almost made him forget the physical pain. He looked at Gintoki's scrunched up face and the idea easily popped up in his head. There was hardly any time between the idea and putting it into action. He pulled down Gintoki by his collar and grabbed him by the jaw before smashing their open mouths together. Gintoki writhed against him for a while, pulling his hair and punching his ribs, but soon his struggle began to tone down. He still had a nauseated expression on his face, but at least he wasn't hurling any more fists at him. Hijikata took it as his cue and pulled back to breath some fresh air. He noticed Gintoki's eyes were slowly returning to their normal color and he took it as a good sign.

"You are so going to pay me back this shit, you bastard..." Hijikata muttered while reaching his pocket for smokes. He had planned to give Gintoki a cigarette so he could clear his system of the strange pollen completely, however, his pack was, in all irony and perversity of destiny, empty. Hijikata let out the most miserable sigh of his entire existence.

"You're gonna pay it back with interest!"

Whether the next fifteen minutes of kissing, moaning and slobbering were truly necessary, Hijikata could not say with certainty. He himself felt half-guilty for thinking of such a ridiculous solution, but truth was it was working. Gintoki's hands all over his lower back a few minutes later proved it beyond doubt, as well as his biting Hijikata's lower lip possessively. Hijikata had to slap him so they didn't get carried away.

"I'm going to fucking kill you, you complete ass!"

"No need to Hijikata-kun, I'm already in some kind of heaven here"

Hijikata turned as crimson as Gintoki's eyes and socked him again, this time on the face.

"What the fucking hell?! What the fuck was that for?! I told you a million times, not the face!"

"That was for my back" Hijikata told him before punching him again in the gut "And that was for my knee!"

"You deranged piece of shit, stop hitting me!"

"And this is for the kids 'cause they were worried"

"Wha-"

Gintoki winced but no violence came his way. Only Hijikata's hungry lips and clinging frame.

"This is too X-rated to be from the kids!"

"Just shut up and go beat up that psycho alien girl"

"You better pay me!"

"You're already too indebted, assface"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first intention was to finish this by Christmas and give everyone a nice gift but then life got in the way and I ended up with no time to write. Therefore here it is as a kind of New Year's gift, wishing you all a great year and a fantastic start. Thanks for reading!


	3. Coils, Coils, Coils

Gintoki climbed the stairs to the top floor after the alien girl. He was still a bit dazed from Hijikata's sudden assault on his virtues and he couldn't quite coordinate his legs. He stumbled on the last step and fell face first onto the floor, a maniacal laugh echoing his fall.

"So Stinky's stunt didn't work that well, uh?" the alien girl rejoiced in a high pitched voice.

Gintoki cursed and shook his head. He didn't know why he had to beat up the creepy girl. Hijikata's request seemed to be reason enough at the time, however, once she took off her pink veil and Gintoki looked into her wicked blue eyes, some wisps of memory came back. The strange flower on the top of her head and the pale green hue of her skin easily denounced her an Amanto; one which Gintoki had spent the last twenty four hours helping, if his hazy memory served him right.

"Back to your senses already? Or do you want to help Mimi-chan tend to her garden again?" she asked with a smile.

"Oi, oi, you're too young for that kind of garden" Gintoki replied with aversion "Besides, I don't even want to see what kind of garden your alien ass has"

He lunged forward to strike but tall green vines burst out of Mimi's head and dove towards him swatting him aside.

"Don't think I'll let you go!" she cried.

The vines sprang after him throughout the corridor. Gintoki dodged them successfully, but soon they began to wriggle near his feet and curl around his ankles. He was by the last flight of stairs to the rooftop when they started pulling him back and halting his progress.

"Get off!" he swung his bokuto at the green stems and broke free, eliciting shrills of pain from Mimi back in the corridor. Gintoki ignored her and bolted, having no other choice but to climb the stairs towards the door at the top.

"Shit! What's with the whole Medusa deal!?"

The rooftop was deserted, surrounded only by a dark cloud of smoke. The smell was awful and Gintoki instantly regretted his decision to flee up there. He skippered towards the railing and looked down to see what was happening. A dozen Shinsengumi cars had barricaded the building and officers were moving in and out of it, carrying potted plants and tossing them in a big pyre that was already burning wild, its flames high and dazzling. A second pile had been assembled next to it and two men were dousing it with fuel. Whatever officers remained, Gintoki saw them marching into the nearest building with flamethrowers in hand, scavenging for more plants and burning them at sight. Mimi's bluff had been useless. The plants burned and burned. Black smoke issued from broken windows and shadowed the clear skies above. When it came to destruction nobody could say the Shinsengumi didn't work fast.

"Noooooooooo!"

Mimi's shriek pierced Gintoki's ears. She had reached the rooftop panting and sweating. Her expression was haggard and she shook with pain.

"You murderers! What are you doing to my babies! Stop! Stop! STOP!" tears ran down her face and she clutched at the green roots that sprung out of her head. The sight filled Gintoki with pity. When she fell to her knees in despair, he lowered his bokuto and walked towards her.

"If you let me talk to those mad dogs running around burning everything, maybe they'll sto-"

It was too late for comforting words. Before Gintoki knew it, the girl's vines leaped to his neck and twisted around it holding tight. He dropped his sword and grasped at the strong coil with both hands. He could feel the oxygen escaping his lungs, his throat being squashed. Soon it became hard to breathe.

"You think you can just ruin everything... I'll show you..." Mimi gritted her teeth and glared at Gintoki with bloodshot eyes.

Although she was still in considerable pain, having parts of her body being burnt everywhere, her strength was relentless. Her eyes shined brighter than ever and a ghastly grin spread over her face. Amidst the foul smoke, Gintoki began smelling a sweet stench in the air, a scent he could not describe yet was strangely familiar. He stopped struggling against the crushing roots and felt his muscles relax. His vision swam and his empty lungs began to slowly fill with that intoxicating fragrance. He was about to close his eyes and give out when out of nowhere something knocked Mimi's head from behind and she doubled over.

"Gin-chan!" Kagura's little frame latched onto Gintoki's in happiness "Gin-chan!" she exclaimed again "How dare you trade us for this pooper!" she punched him in the cheek and he fell back on the floor.

"What the hell Kagura?! I was almost dying two seconds ago! Get off me!"

"I almost died of hunger! I had to eat your secret pudding stash!" Kagura admitted with sorrow, though her tears were fake and she buried her head in Gintoki's chest for dramatic effect.

"WHAT?!" Gintoki could barely speak, unable to stop coughing while trying to regain his breath.

"What have you been doing with this pooper anyway?" Kagura detached herself from him, believing her little theatrics successful. She looked back at the half-unconscious alien girl lying on the floor and snorted "She hypnotized you and the guys from the host club with her pooping tricks, but we took care of them"

"We?" Gintoki wondered. At that moment Shinpachi appeared at the door confirming Gintoki's guess. He knelt down by him and helped him up, complaints shooting out of his mouth by the second. Kagura was oblivious to them and approached the girl she had just kicked in the head with morbid curiosity in her eyes.

"Does she poop this out too?" she crouched and pulled the roots coming out of Mimi's head.

"Yaaaaa! Stop pulling my hair it hurts!"

Kagura's lips turned up in an evil smile and she pulled at them again.

"Oh? What was that? Did I hear something? Whoa! Shinpachi look at this, when I pull this thing it makes a sound"

"You bitch!"

"Kagura-chan, stop it!"

"What did you say, you green dung sack!?"

With Gintoki's help, Shinpachi managed to separate the two alien girls who were quick to turn on each other. Next to Kagura Mimi didn't appear to be a year older. Her short height and childish features were apparent. At close range and overpowered, she looked just the mere innocent victim of Kagura's bullying and, if not for her sudden attempt at strangulation, Gintoki might have stopped the Shinsengumi from arresting her. But he didn't. They cuffed her and put a bag over her head to spare her further pain, since cutting her flowery hair would have been too cruel, tantamount to cutting her arms and legs.

* * *

 

Much like the rooftop, the front of the building was a smoky mess. Shinsengumi officers were busy managing the rioting male hosts and keeping the bonfires burning nonstop. Yamazaki ran up to the three Yorozuya members as soon as they came out and he peeked behind them in search of his Vice-Commander.

“Hello Danna, rough patch today, uh? Where's Hijikata-san? I thought he was with you?”

The three glanced back to check but it was to no effect.

“I thought he had come down when they arrested Mimi-san” Shinpachi said “He didn't come with us. Did you see him Gin-san?”

“Yeah, Mayora went to bring back Gin-chan last time I saw him” Kagura added.

Gintoki felt his pulse pick up at the images those words brought back. He tried his best to seem uninterested but the worry in Yamazaki's face disturbed him.

“What's the matter?” he asked with narrowing eyes “You have a stupid look going on Jimmy-kun”

“We are going to blow up the place to exterminate the alien plants once and for all. I hope the Vice-Commander isn't inside”

“What!?” Shinpachi choked.

“Captain Okita's orders” Yamazaki replied meekly.

“Just wait here a moment. We'll go check, maybe something happened to him inside-” Shinpachi's suggestion was short-lived though.

“I'll go” Gintoki told them “I was the last to see that idiot anyway” he scratched the back of his head in a detached manner “Don't blow anything until I come back, you hear me? You bunch of homicidal creeps...”

Yamazaki nodded and Gintoki went inside the rotten building again. The first floor was filled with smoke so he sprinted past it and climbed the stairs two steps at a time to the spot where he had left Hijikata earlier. There the nearest corridors were deserted but not the rooms. Gintoki had a vague idea about the ones Mimi had filled with the biggest, nastiest plants, including her own personal chamber. Therefore he went to check them first, kicking down doors as he went along. Most plants were withering quietly in the dark rooms, yet some squirmed and writhed towards any source of light they could find. Wherever Gintoki looked at, green tails wormed out of every nook and cranny threatening to consume every smooth surface in their path.

He was about to quit and call himself a fool for even thinking Hijikata might be in danger when he walked past an open door. He didn't see much beyond a dark blur at first, but the sounds called him back. Those moans were not something he was willing to share with anyone. There were marks on the floor, as if something big had been dragged inside. Gintoki frowned at it before he realized what it was.

“So I leave you for two fucking seconds and this is what happens? What kind of demented change of genre do you think you're doing?! This is a shounen manga! SHOU-NEN!” Gintoki bellowed outraged, looking despondently towards the center of the room.

Hijikata would have given him a much more coherent and articulate answer if he hadn't been completely overcome with stalks coiling around him. His upper body was hidden beneath a layer of leaves and he could barely move. Gintoki wasn't totally certain if the sight was in agreement with his twisted preferences, but regardless of whether or not tentacle-stuff was one of his kinks, he knew Hijikata wasn't liking it one bit so he decided to let him suffer.

“Could you just... get...me the... fuck out of here!!” Hijikata growled angrily, fighting a thick stalk that was trying to immobilize his leg and succeeding.

“No way, have you looked at these things? They ain't natural, I don't think I can even cut through this” Gintoki replied while examining a nearby alien monstrosity.

“After this... I'm gonna.. fucking kill you... and it's gonna... feel so... fucking.. _good_ ”

Two things happened as Hijikata's last word of warning came out as the most delighted mewl ever. One, the contorting motions of the plants had reached his crotch and were trying to get inside his pants. Two, Gintoki startled so abruptly he choked on his own spit.

“Please... get me out” Hijikata's voice had lost its raspy tone and he spoke in the same breathless way he did in those rare moments only Gintoki knew about. The alien plants were snaking their way around his crotch, rubbing and sliding over all the right places, making it impossible for Hijikata to keep quiet. He was trying to hold back another shameful whimper but Gintoki didn't need to be told twice. A flame had lit inside his body bigger than any fire the Shinsengumi had built. He was half mad with fury and half mad with arousal. Burning down the whole damn place didn't seem like a desperate moronic measure anymore; that little innocent-looking alien girl could live the rest of her life in a dark dungeon with that fucking bag over her head for all Gintoki cared.

With a swift move he got out his bokuto and lashed at the plants at his feet. He reached Hijikata and pulled his sword from its scabbard eager to busy both his hands. In less than a minute the floor was littered with what looked like chopped cabbage. Hijikata brushed the stems off his uniform and got up with shaky legs, a boner in the middle. Gintoki was too angry to give him back his sword. He wasn't even using it anymore, he was just stomping down the plants, cursing at them and acting childish, hoping Mimi felt every single squeeze of his boot. Hijikata had to slap him to make him stop.

“What the hell are you hitting me for after I saved your ungrateful ass!?!” Gintoki yelled outraged.

“You're being a fucking idiot, let's get out of here and be done with it. I can't look at this shit any longer” Hijikata told him bluntly, turning his back and walking away.

“Well, you looked like you were enjoying yourself, you sick bastard” Gintoki spoke with more jealousy than mock. He couldn't help himself. His veins ran hot with steaming blood and he knew he had to do something about it before he left the building. Shitty alien plants or no.

“I what-?!” Hijikata blushed, his cheeks turning redder than before. He had tried to straighten his clothes and tame his hair, but he still looked disheveled and vulnerable. An all-kill on Gintoki's weaknesses.

“You don't even try to hide it!”

“Shut the fuck up! Are you seriously getting on my ass because of a fucking plant?”

“Yes because the plant _was_ on your ass, you fucking idiot!”

“You really wanna argue about who's the idiot here? At least I wasn't the one seduced by a five year old Amanto creep from space!”

“No, her fucking alien garden was enough for you, perverted asshole!”

“You were the one watering that fucking shit!”

“It's wrong to neglect nature!!”

“I swear I'll chop your fucking head off if you don't shut up”

Their banter lasted until they were two floors from the entrance and clear of the green invasion upstairs. Gintoki's brain was also on its last stretch and all he saw in front of him was Hijikata's tousled hair and bare neck; his parted lips kept spouting nonsense Gintoki forced himself to answer but which he didn't really care to hear. The tension in his chest was overwhelming.

“Hey wait a second” Gintoki pulled back Hijikata by the arm before they reached the next corner “What about me paying you back that debt right now? You know, for the smoke” he proposed, eyes red, dark and keen on Hijikata's lips “I don't think you can refuse” a dodgy smile managed to break through Gintoki's grave look and he pressed his knee between Hijikata's thighs. The instant gasp he got in return was reply enough.

“What! Here?” Hijikata whispered, glancing around reluctantly.

“Not unless you want to go out there strutting that southern Toshi around” Gintoki answered nonchalantly, though he pulled down Hijikata's zipper and held him in place. Hijikata bit back a moan.

“You bastard!”

“Yes, I know” Gintoki pushed Hijikata slowly against the wall and kissed him, eager to wash away any ghastly sensation those nasty coiling plants might have left. He tried not to think too hard on it, but it was difficult to block images still so fresh in his mind. His kiss was sloppy and all over the place, and Hijikata grunted in frustration. Gintoki felt him tug at his lower lip, tongue waiting to sweep inside his mouth.

“You want to do this or not, assface?” the way Hijikata spoke was petulant and his gaze intense. If his grinding bulge was of any indication, he was probably as intent on forgetting the whole tentacle thing as Gintoki was “You know you do owe me” he continued, hands probing Gintoki's chest “So you better do it right”

Gintoki felt the request in his groin. He had a small notion of how red his cheeks must have flushed, but he tried to get on with it before Hijikata could aggravate him any further by some pity laugh.

“It's your fault for getting all hot and bothered with a fucking plant” Gintoki muttered angrily, nuzzling Hijikata's neck and sucking hard on his skin, hoping to leave a mark.

“And you just stood there watching” Hijikata answered, not knowing the idea he had just given Gintoki.

“You want to watch?”

“Wha?”

“Then watch this”

The minute Gintoki got on his knees Hijikata grabbed his collar to pull him back up. He clearly knew what would follow and his widened eyes reflected the disarray between his mind and his body. Gintoki couldn't help but smile as Hijikata's hands fumbled in panic and his chest heaved in excitement. Nothing was quite as charming as a flustered Hijikata.

“Gintoki no-” the Vice-Commander's cool demeanor had all but slipped away. He swallowed hard and panted, embarrassed to look at the silver head below his navel.

“Shut it” Gintoki pulled down Hijikata's pants, freeing his cock from its stifling confines. Although he felt his own member throbbing painfully between his legs, undoing Hijikata was of the foremost priority. He was going to do it right and vindicate the shit out of that request.

“Not here, Gintoki, stop-”

Hijikata's absurd whining ceased as soon as Gintoki's tongue touched the base of his cock. He threw his head back in despair and held back a cry afraid of release. The reaction spurred on Gintoki. His mouth enveloped the tip of Hijikata's cock and he sucked him in, licking the whole hard length. Hijikata inhaled violently and jerked, unable to control the urge to rock his hips. His shallow thrust amused Gintoki and the latter's low chuckle at the back of his throat nearly sent Hijikata over the edge, its vibrations rolling over his cock. Gintoki was beginning to feel proud of a job well done, yet Hijikata grabbed a fistful of his curls and begged him to stop.

“Stop that, damn it... I'm on my limit”

“I'm not done” Gintoki replied, allowing no rebuttals. However, Hijikata did pull him up this time mustering all the strength he could, and he moved Gintoki's hand down his back.

“You have to do it now” Hijikata told him in a tone of command. Gintoki couldn't feign disliking that kind of authority even though he was angry at the interruption. He still had Hijikata's taste in his mouth and a feeling of regrettable loss in his gut. Nevertheless, his own arousal wore him down and by this time Hijikata had also sprang to motion, tending to Gintoki's erection with sweaty hands. The relief on his aching member was so great Gintoki whimpered into Hijikata's collarbone a long low breath that made Hijikata chuckle.

“Oh, how long has it been?”

“Long enough” Gintoki grunted, refusing to think back on the number of days that had passed since they had last seen each other.

“Then hurry up” Hijikata taunted.

Gintoki wanted to roar for all the impatience gnawing at him from every quarter. His body was a mass of heat near explosion and his ears were filled with soft quick gasps whose rhythm was nearly driving him insane. It felt like they were at it for hours and not a speck of his desire had been quenched. It was torment. Gintoki turned Hijikata around to put it in, the position boosting his need, but Hijikata stopped him midway, confronting him eye to eye.

"Hey, wait! Where's your condom?"

"I used them all" Gintoki answered hurriedly.

"You did what-!?"

Gintoki hastened to explain himself before Hijikata's misunderstanding ruined the moment.

"You think this crap building has running water? How do you think I watered all these plants? I used them as water containers, idiot"

"Smartass"

"What about yours? Give it here"

"I don't have any! You think I just walk around with my pockets full of condoms?"

"Obviously, so you can give them out to the lost youth of our time and so you can have safe protected sex with Gin-san at any place any time"

Hijikata actually laughed at his joke. His snort escaped effortlessly out of his strict features and his eyes narrowed in glee. The sight fueled Gintoki's anger at once, among other things.

"You think this is funny, bastard?"

"You should be thankful I even bother to listen to your shit. You have a problem with that?"

"Of course I have a fucking problem, your laughing face creeps me out" Hijikata opened his mouth to protest but Gintoki wasn't finished "And it gets me harder which is actually fucking painful, not to mention my heart goes all doki doki crazy" Hijikata started laughing again, unable to bear the silliness "Yeah, yeah, you like that? You like this kind of dirty Bessatsu Margaret talk, don't you, uh?"

"Just shut up and fuck me"

 

* * *

 

Destroying the derelict buildings proved to be more cumbersome than expected. As soon as the consequences started to pile up on Hijikata's desk, Okita vanished from sight, suddenly becoming very interested in patrolling Edo's streets ten miles away. Nevertheless, his disappearance was of some relief to the barracks and Gintoki himself, for the Yorozuya trio had decided to loiter around the Shinsengumi until they could leech some money out of them. With Okita away, Gintoki had one less thing to sour Hijikata's mood and spite Kagura's. What he didn't add to the equation though was his own irksome existence. To any other person, Harada's post by Hijikata's door would have been a blatant signal not to disturb the Vice-Commander, but Gintoki wasn't Gintoki without his natural degree of stupidity and self-importance. Shinpachi had retired with shame after a dozen pressing attempts at bribery, but Gintoki and Kagura stood their ground by Harada, harassing him continuously until he gave way. Gintoki believed the matter would have been easily solved if it had been Yamazaki blocking their path, but Hijikata had sent him on an undercover mission to stage a little arson in Hedoro's shop. The objective was simple: to keep the scary Amanto away so they could move on with their case on Mimi.

She had played her part to perfection, taking advantage of Hedoro the minute they met. Once everyone had returned from the pile of rubble that was left of her burning nest of plants, Hedoro had been the first to receive her back at the barracks. A crucial mistake, since under his terrifying influence the Shinsengumi was forced to prepare a special cell for Mimi, furnishing it with tatami floors and a wooden table ready with a tea set. The improvements sweetened her temper significantly, not to mention losing the bag over her head. After tea she was even civil enough towards Hedoro, acting thankful and letting a few teardrops fall out the corner of her eyes. However, behind his back her real self emerged. She raved hysterically about his hideous face and cried out for her sister pitifully. Kagura enjoyed watching these latter displays. In fact, as soon as Harada's harassment began to bore her, she moved to a definite spot by Mimi's cell and watched the latter wailing behind bars as if she was at home watching a drama on TV.

Outside, under the sun, Kondo remained sobbing in his corner of the backyard and having an heart to heart with Hochirou. They seemed to be nurturing some kind of bond over their earlier dismissal. Hijikata chose to ignore them for practical purposes and focused the Shinsengumi on hunting down the rest of the flowers Mimi and Gintoki had distributed around Edo. As for the male hosts, they were gathered in the backyard and given cigarettes to smoke in order to cleanse their bodies off Mimi's pollen. Things were starting to fall into place. But peace never lasted long.

That evening a big spaceship shadowed the grounds of the barracks and parked above them indefinitely. Gintoki noticed the sudden loss of sunlight and stepped out to check what was happening, mostly just to yell at somebody other than Harada. The sight that greeted him was far from anything he expected to further happen that day. A frown instantly took over his features as he pictured what form of ungodly commotion would now rain upon them. He was certain he would pass out and die if another bead of sweat fell from his face without the tiniest fucking reward. He was too tired.

The spaceship had a clean smooth design which was nothing like the usual stuff that floated around the Oedo Terminal. Gintoki wrinkled his nose at it, but then he read the big kanji characters for 'Matsushiba' on its side and something about the name clicked. He was racking his brain trying to place it, when a column of white light sloped down from the spaceship into the vacant space in front of him. The whole Shinsengumi backyard glowed with light. Everyone in the barracks came out in wonder, Hijikata included. He stepped out of his room and Gintoki gave him a shrug of shoulders in answer to the questioning look on his face.

“I don't know either. Wrong anime probably” Gintoki told him.

Along with the shaft of light came a rope ladder that stopped two inches above the grass and deposited a small figure onto the ground. Gintoki felt his jaw hit the wooden floor of Hijikata's porch and his eyes tripled their usual size. The word 'Matsushiba' finally rang loud and clear in his mind. _Matsushiba Robot Company_.

In the middle of the Shinsengumi backyard stood a 4'3 tall cat-like robot with red ears which resembled a bow. She was round-shaped, yellow and cute. Apart from the blue collar around her neck, her most prominent feature was the pocket in her belly. A collective outburst broke in the yard after a minute of absolute silence.

“EEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

“SHIT IT'S-IT'S-IT-IT-S IT'S D-DO-DOORAE-”

“D-DO-DORAEMON'S SISTER!!”

“NO WAAAAY!”

“LOOK! THE POCKET!” Gintoki's mesmerized eyes were glued to her four dimensional pocket in shock “I'LL BUY YOU ALL THE MERONPANS IN THE WORLD IF YOU TAKE OUT THE ANYWHERE DOOR, I'M NOT LYING, I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER, IT CAN BE ARRANGED. SOMEONE CALL SUNRISE” he spewed out with derangement, his wildest dreams flashing before his eyes. He felt his heart beat faster and his younger self brimming beneath his skin.

“SHUT UP SHE'S GONNA DO IT” Hijikata yelled.

All the stares turned to Dorami as she put a cute round paw inside her pocket. Sweat ran down Gintoki's temples in anticipation and he felt the shortage of oxygen as everyone inhaled deeply and held their breaths. Dorami took out a paper handkerchief and, for the fraction of a second, Gintoki's eyes watered with elation believing the handkerchief to be some sort of magical gadget. To the disillusionment of his and every other pure heart in the barracks, Dorami blew her nose in an ugly fashion and threw the dirty handkerchief behind her back. A weight sank in Gintoki's heart. Something of his youth had been broken beyond repair.

“Did she just pollute the garden?” he asked to no one in particular.

The group of rehabilitated male hosts had stooped to the ground in despair, muttering curses in disbelief.

“This is not my Dorami-chan” one mumbled.

“My dream is a nightmare...”

“She was my childhood crush!”

“How can this be Dorami-chan...”

“What is the punishment for littering the barracks?” Gintoki asked the immovable Vice-Commander beside him.

“Solitary”

Dorami cut Gintoki's next complaint and he twisted his neck at her strange gaunt voice.

“Humans” she addressed them coldly “Who is this Dorami?” she asked irritated. Nobody had the courage to answer her “Dorami, Dorami, Dorami, have you really evolved at all?”

Gintoki cringed. Her voice was awful and grated on his nerves.

“Anyway” she coughed and pulled out another handkerchief which she proceeded to dispose of in the same manner as before “Damn this stupid phantom reflex!” she grunted “I'm here for my sister”

Gintoki looked at her nonchalantly and shook his head, refusing to believe what low level logic was trying to prove. No, no, no, no, it couldn't be. He turned towards Hijikata to measure some reaction other than his own, but Hijikata was as cryptic as the fake Dorami.

“Who are you?” the Vice-Commander asked directly, his excitement long forgotten.

“I'm Lili, Mimi's older sister” she said “I've received a distress call from her, it seems you humans are keeping her hostage”

Hijikata scoffed.

“Your sister is a criminal, she will be dealt with accordingly” he told her “And you're arrested for intrusion upon private property and irregular parking of a spacecraft. Harada see if it checks with the Terminal”

Harada nodded and disappeared into the barracks looking for a phone. Hijikata took out a cigarette and lit it before taking a drag. Lili remained frozen in her spot, harmless and silent. Gintoki admitted he was a little turned on by the policeman act, but his brain was stuck in the part where a cat-robot was the sibling of a flower popping-alien girl. He had his worries.

“Maybe she's adopted” he said to himself; the idea suddenly justifying all of Mimi's personality-issues.

Perhaps, as if sensing his prejudiced thoughts, Lili's eyes turned towards him with a disturbing gleam.

“You want to see the Anywhere Door?” she asked him. It was almost a dare, a dare Gintoki was unable to refuse.

“Oi, are you serious?” he mumbled, looking up at the big _Matsushiba_ kanjis on the spaceship with suspicion “You really have one, fake-Dorami?”

“Come and see for yourself” she said, hopping onto the last step of the rope ladder.

“You're not going anywhere” Hijikata's warning came with a group of officers surrounding Lili at bazooka-range.

“Then why don't you come too?” her voice pure innocence.

Gintoki and Hijikata changed apprehensive looks. Gintoki knew in the back of his mind this sudden invitation sounded a lot like a trap, but his curiosity was out to get the best of him. Besides, what could a cute cat-robot like her do to them? Especially one with a sense of responsibility who had just come to save her younger sister? Gintoki wanted to throw up at this sick logic, but anything was plausible as long as he got to set a foot in that spaceship. His mind was stuck in a single goal: _AnywhereDoorAnywhereDoorAnywhereDoorAnywhereDoor._

Hijikata bit his cigarette and put it out after a moment's deliberation. He gave his subordinates a few directives and then walked up to the rope ladder, holding tight to a spot under Lili and Gintoki. There was a deep frown between his eyebrows.

“I told them to charge in if we don't come out in twenty” he declared. Lili responded with a contemptuous 'hmph!' and Gintoki barely heard him. His vision was fixed on the spaceship above them.

The ladder jerked and up they went. Some fools tried to cling to the last step but it pulled up at great speed. The barracks turned smaller and smaller beneath Gintoki's feet and soon they disappeared completely as they reached the spaceship. It smelled like disinfectant and fuel oil.

“Follow me” Lili told them. Gintoki nodded eagerly and pulled a cranky Hijikata after him.

“Move your ass!”

“I'm moving!”

They bickered miserably after Lili, looking like two kindergarten kids following their teacher to detention. Despite their deplorable behavior, they weren't unaware of their surroundings. Gintoki noticed how the inside had the same simple design of the exterior and he counted dozens of sealed doors, each marked with a number. He tried not to imagine how behind each one was hidden a different kind of magical gadget, but he knew it was better to have no expectations than to be more disappointed. Lili had been enough.

“Is this your ship?” Hijikata asked her after a moment of silence.

“Yes. In a way” she said with her back turned, keeping the steady pace her short legs allowed her.

“Is this some kind of lab?”

“As a matter of fact, yes” she said with a sigh “I work for Matsushiba company, a bunch of assholes” she muttered under her breath “We're moving offices you see, so they assigned me this ship for the time being”

“And what's behind all these doors? What is it you do? You're no cat-robot from the future with a magical pocket” Gintoki said bitterly.

“Are you stupid?” Lili laughed “Humans really baffle me. Why would you even think that? What an ass”

Gintoki scowled at her rudeness and felt twice the embarrassment when he heard Hijikata sneer behind him.

“Oh Hijikata-kun, how shrewd you are today, uh?” Gintoki's mocking tone was enough to fill Hijikata with dismay. He blushed ever so lightly and clicked his tongue in disgust.

“Shut your trap” was the quick comeback.

Lilith continued her explanation in spite of Gintoki's private joke.

“Indeed this is not my original body. I transplanted my brain here with the help of Matsushiba's finest scientists and discarded my biological flesh suit” she said matter-a-factually “You see, for generations my race was hunted throughout the universe because our bodies could produce a pollen of special proprieties. In the beginning, rival races began to kill us and make war because they were afraid of our abilities. No one wants to be manipulated, you know?” she glanced above her shoulder briefly “We discovered we could control others by lowering their neurotransmission levels and stimulate their brains. What we didn't foresee was the use of our pollen for pleasure purposes. A drug war broke out and we were hunted and stuck in labs, basements, filthy places. Most of our race died. So I thought that instead of living on the run from everything and everybody I would destroy what they wanted. And so I did” she stopped in front of a door marked #4998. Gintoki and Hijikata remained silent.

“You were speaking of an Anywhere Door” Lili said, turning towards Gintoki.

“Yeah”

“I don't know if you mean the same thing I do” she said “But I'll show you mine anyway” she put her little paw in an ID device by the door and it opened with a beep.

The room they entered was huge. The ceiling was high and the walls were covered with cables and blinking lights that converged in two separate doors: a blue one on the right and a pink one on the left.

“I've been working on this project for the last six years without a stop. It's the reason why I've been neglecting Mimi and letting her run away to indulge in stupid endeavors like coming to this planet. You see, having this body is not enough. My sister is all alone, _we_ are all alone. We have no future. So I want to change the past and stop the war. I want to save my race and that's why I've been trying to develop time travel. I'm still struggling with many issues like specific time placement and whatnot, but these two doors have been mostly successful. Their main problem is finding the door when- HEY HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING TO ME AT ALL, YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE SHITS!”

Lili's enraged interjection wasn't without explanation. Since the moment those two magical doors had appeared in front of them, Gintoki and Hijikata's brains did little but hyperventilate uncontrollably. Gintoki ran a straight line towards the door on the left and Hijikata did the same to the door on the right. They turned the door handles and stepped inside before Lili had finished her last sentence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for defiling Dorami's image! I love her to bits. This was for comedic purposes only. I'm also sorry it took me so long to update. I've had this whole arc planned for ages but writing it out is always so much harder, and I was busy with life too. Anyway, I hope it's not a disappointment lol. These last two chapters have been crazy after crazy so I'm planning some angst next (amazing solution to all of life's problems). Thanks for all the reviews and support. I'll keep doing my best. Love you all!


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